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SECONDARY SCHOOL

by Ellevan

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1.
Grade 8 02:09
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I'm not inspired by this place Makes me wanna run away I feel like they don't speak my language And keep me locked in a cage Not being taken care of Just critiqued all day I gotta get outside But the streets ain't safe Sometimes it hurts inside But music got me saved Takes away the pain Takes away the pain Me and mama been moving around And I'ma gonna prove myself now I need to find a way out This is my first day of grade 8 now Can someone explain how I just woke up face down on the ground On a gray towel at some guy's place who tried to make out & rape my mom Last night as I was passed out Anyway, it's almost 8, wow Hope I got some change now So I can get some eggs out Cause you can't eat the food at someone else's house Fuck it, I threw on my Walkman And I started walking and nodding And bobbing my head along to 50 cent He was poppin Back when he dropped Get Rich or Die Tryin I felt so gangster but I was still just 4'11 and fat Not much going right for a little Evan in fact Best friend just got taken away for a criminal act Mom got evicted and we ain't had No place to go, and plus my dad Got remarried to this new bitch Who don't fuck with me and I don't fuck with that So I'll be the man of the house without the house I need to get my mom up off that couch The bell just went off Let me go and sit down and see what fuckin' high school's about Do you know where room 101 is This sucks
2.
Survival 03:34
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If something has your attention and you feel that there is danger, then we would not proceed The possibility of it manifesting in a further way is greater when you're worried about it than if you're not You go somewhere even though you were told that it wasn't A good idea You'll be lucky if you make it out of this ALIVE Better hold it back whenever you wanna cry Gotta find something that can change your life You gotta survive through this part This part, this part You'll be lucky if you make it out of this alive Most don't cause they can't find their light I hold back anytime I wanna cry Cause I can't right now, I gotta survive I gotta survive Y'all don't know about this part I gotta survive Yeah, things got so hard I gotta survive Y'all don't wanna know about this part Gotta survive Save my life, Ya things got so hard Too many times I've been on the ledge. Figured it would be easy if I was dead Felt one foot tall when I was four foot ten. Preteen, getting jumped by a group of men You're the tip of the chip, this is nacho (not your) ends Got a knife in my bag and it's not pretend No matter what happens, I'll tell you one thing I'm not fucking getting jumped again Fuck you then, I'll leave this school You don't even do what you're supposed to do Second floor bathroom, hella cruel Evans a faggot, they left it too You're curious why I'm throwing lefts at you That's why the bullied kids grab the tool Come back and teach all of you What the fuck a motherfucker like me can do But I was nothing, a squeak, a puke Got beat up by like six or eight dudes Hard to keep up when your home keeps moving Momma's out lots, I'm not sure what she's doing What the fuck's up? I don't think it's improving What the fuck's this? I just found this music That makes me feel invincible when I use it This is the juice that I needed to fuel this How come this feels like I'm indestructible All of a sudden? ohh This is the shield I needed protection So I'm gonna use it And you've activated that vibration enough That you have a vibration going That is contrary to what you really want Because in either case You've got resistance in your vibration And you are not even close to living What you came to live You'll be lucky if you make it out of this alive Better hold it back whenever you wanna cry Most don't cause they can't find their light I hold back every time I wanna cry Cause I can't right now, I gotta survive I gotta survive Y'all don't know about this part I gotta survive Yeah, things got so hard Gotta survive Y'all don't wanna know about this part Gotta survive Y'all don't know about this part Gotta survive It's the most interesting thing that humans do to each other
3.
Danger 03:35
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You in danger and you know it dawg You in danger when you know you are Yeah you thought that you was hard but now you gotta do it And someone's coming for you if you just did it I don't wanna do it dawg, I don't like it, I don't want the feel of it But I just had to hold this up, the facade of it And inside of it, it's harder than it seems When it makes it in your dreams and it changes how you see Motherfuckers out here with machetes dawg That's right, machetes dawg I act like I'm ready dawg but I ain't ready y'all Nah man, I don't want that life, know what it's about Blood knuckle nightmares every night Man with the black hat always in sight Shivers are chillin' like they came on ice I don't really wanna take that life I just hit em with a fuckin' right Ran away like I bucked em right Boys chasing me home now Gang members all around now Walked through the park late night and got stomped out What the fuck! ow You're in danger We're in danger I'm in danger Danger, danger Fuck it, I'm ready then I'm in danger Fuck it, I'm ready then You're in danger Yeah, stay ready man Nothing's stranger Than danger, danger Mom and police in the office calling me in Supposed to identify the guy who hit me in the chin Fuck it, ten of his homies was there too So if I get one dude, they're gonna scare you That's what the constable told me Constantly reminding me that It's a long line game like a phony But my homies, yo, they got my back But the police won't do shit, so I gotta go scrap Now I can focus on that And get lost in the streets Or I can forget this bullshit that they trying to teach And I can get off this leash And we wouldn't have to leech Then my mom got a job, oh my God, it's freedom But now my boys put their neck on the line for me Beefing with the gang that jumped me like we a team I could never repay you, you were just more street But you let me get to here to put the story on the beat You're in danger We're in danger I'm in danger Danger, danger Fuck it, I'm ready then I'm in danger Fuck it, I'm ready then You're in danger Gotta stay ready, man We're in danger Danger, danger Thank God that we got away Moved downtown, nice place to stay New high school in ninth grade Kid challenged me right away Smacked his face on the first day Headlocks and kidney shots What I learned brought me pain I later then became I'm the bully!? No fucking way Hard to believe I won that race I'm in a league that has to stay Arguably you have to change What good was the escape With your old friends around They rob your new friends at knife point You're that guy now Well how the fuck do you stop the cycle I try and sleep but mom keeps bringing guys home So I wake up in a strange mind zone That's why I go cyclone When I throw my wide right blows Beside your right eyebrow I don't care how Much it hurts Bitch, I'm hurt too I don't feel that shit so I don't wanna fucking hurt you Talk shit for reputation There ain't nothing I won't do Smack you in front of your parents after school Cause I think it's cool I'm dangerous bitch At least I'm not scared anymore
4.
Pain 03:29
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Most of my problems I don't really talk, about But this shit fucked me up so bad I could barely walk, around Both big toes ingrown so far, felt like they were stuck So far four doctors tried to cut, in then cut em out More needles in your foot, more pills up in your mouth Everywhere I had to go I had to slow it down, guess Evan is a little fat kid now Me and mom drink a two liter of pop everyday, I wonder if that's helping out Bloody socks when you take shoes off, you just wanna keep 'em on When other parents see that shit, they think something's wrong And it really is, but we're trying to address it Really got gross when them bitches got infected And I'm impatient, it's hard to accept it And I don't wanna be with the fucking physician They're trying to "help it" or heal it You know that I'm fucking done dealing with this, cause I don't believe em Feels like they're leading me on and they're using a liter of freezer just so they can write it off Fuck it, let's light it up If you are a patient, remember that you are a client dog Doesn't matter if this is your life or not, and that shit might hurt the most I don't let it show, I don't say a thing, you would never know I'm always in pain I don't let it show, I don't say a thing, you would never know I'm always in pain Always in pain Always in pain Reacting all the time, they think I'm insane Always in pain Always in pain You would never know that I'm always in pain Antibiotics pill bottle, always on me, all the time Homies thought that I was chopping Oxycontin on my grind But no man, unfortunately, all those medicines are mine What's wrong with you Not much, other than my fucking AHH What happened man Nevermind I don't understand, we're sitting down I'm lifting my toenail, inside of my shoe and it's clicking out That is fucking disgusting man You don't have to tell me, trust me fam We dealing with it the best we can I just really don't want to fail gym again Embarrassment is setting in Exhausted when I walk for ten Hip-hop got me talking, but flip-flops are not an option I often sleep on it, awkward I wake up and sheets are covered In blood or some fucking puss that I swear to god looks like mustard Now it is time to muster up enough courage To face another day with chronic pain that you are unsure of Kept getting worse until pop saved enough from serving to cover the operation It murdered, but now I'm surfing I don't let it show, I don't say a thing You would never know, I'm always in pain I don't let it show, I don't say a thing You would never know, I'm always in pain Always in pain, always in pain Reacting all the time, they think I'm insane Always in pain, always in pain You would never know that I'm always in pain I don't let it show, I don't say a thing You would never know, I'm always in pain I don't let it show, I don't say a thing You would never know, I'm always in pain Always in pain, always in pain Reacting all the time, they think I'm insane Always in pain, always in pain You would never know that I'm always in pain Fuck, I'm done with these pills now
5.
Cool Now 03:06
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I'm cool now, it's cool now, when I go out, I'm cool now, it's cool now, when I go out I'm cool Had to go through the fear, just to get here, used to steer clear, now I don't care Feeling like y'all don't really know about me, y'all don't really know about me I, I, brand new identity dream, y'all don't really know about me, yeah, but neither do I Just a year ago, couldn't walk outside, now I've finally arrived and I caught my stride And I live my life like I lost my mind, yeah, I crossed that line, and you're just in time For this teacher to get it, you talk to me,? you regret it! I'll set it straight right now, so you'll never forget it Yeah, they say I'm a menace, it's like they're calling me Dennis But I am more like a dentist, I'll fill you up with a filling (feeling) I got hot when I became the flame in the fire Yeah, I'm gone off the handle, and I'm not trying to hide it Half the teachers in this bitch think that I am retarded I embrace it and I love it, cause they let me go farther Y'all don't really know about me, y'all don't really know about me I, I, y'all don't really know about me Y'all don't really know about me, but neither do I I'm trying to find who I'm supposed to be, since I've been mean, they've been nice to me All that dark couldn't turn the light down, I got that fight in me now, everybody inviting me out It's cool now, I'm cool now, I feel so untouchable, and I'm cool now, I'm cool now, I'm cool now I feel so untouchable, cause I'm cool now Now it can go down at the drop of a hat Old block beefs get stopped with a smack, but fuck all that Man I'm bad, I got swag, did I say swag? I take that back I mean style, I guess I could hang out here a while Fresh new blue suit, like Elvis' suede shoes, and I feel that cool too Guess I had a breakthrough in like grade 9, I could say who I was for the time I was looking good and I got some duds, mom got paid so we had to shine Like I just got signed, high rise, happy hour all the time Mom caught flights and let me lie Skip school, shoot pool like I'm 25 Pockets full of money, still shoplift, got caught, our hearts got drop kicked Had to stop it, switch the topic, feeling good today because I haven't got hit Y'all don't really know about me, y'all don't really know about me, I, I, Y'all don't really know about me, y'all don't really know about me, but neither do I I'm trying to find who I'm supposed to be Since I've been mean, they've been nice to me All that dark couldn't turn the light down I got that fight in me now, everybody inviting me out It's cool now, I'm cool now, I feel so untouchable and I'm cool now I'm cool now, I'm cool now, I feel so untouchable cause I'm cool now
6.
Alberni 03:33
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It's fine, I'll be here by myself, I guess I'll be here by myself, mm, mmm, by myself, yeah A lot of time alone, oh your mom is always gone Ya a single child alone, figured out how to do it though It's all okay, TV's on my side Money's on the counter Get yourself something nice tonight Stay here with me Even if I'm away They're all waiting for us to lose Tell me what would they say? So even if your loneliness is a nightmare I need you to stay up right here I need you to make it crystal clear That you're happier with me And even if he calls, I do not care You don't have your father inside here I'll have him fucking killed by a guy with a beard Cause nobody fucks with me My mother was angry from the second I was born It wasn't about me though, so I was torn She just fucking hated the world, wanted to swear So she done sworn, told me the tears Taught me to fear, taught me to fight Taught me to get as dark as the night Just throw a fit and hope that you're right I did and I got sent home, I guess I'll be here by myself Uh-uh, I'll be here by myself I guess I'll be here by myself Uh-uh, I'll be here by myself What the fuck is a home? what the heck is a house Man these echoes are loud, when I walk by myself Down a hallway, I'm glad that I have a hallway, but damn Wish that someone's here to share the space with me and I can't Understand where she be, where she go, what she doing And I'm just by myself, yeah I think I'm pursuing Some new way to new wave, keep myself entertained Yeah I love creativity, but I felt so estranged And you know what I mean, I go shopping for clothes I come back, put them on, stand in the mirror and pose Started mirroring flows, started hearing the notes Caught the spirit and ghost, while my parent was ghost All those seedy CDs that you weren't allowed to play up in the Jeep When everyone was listening, you could just blast them by yourself And learn every fucking lyric to them I loved it so much, it was like hysterics Because it let me put myself in this lyric room, lyric room, lyric room All those seedy CDs that you weren't allowed to listen to Put myself in this lyric room, lyric room, lyric room, lyric room All those seedy CDs that you weren't allowed to listen to I guess I'll be here by myself, here all by my lonely then Now I'm good all by myself, all by my lonely I found what I needed Me here by myself again Yeah, I guess I'll be here by myself Fine all by my lonely then Be there for myself again Mm-mm, I'll be here by myself Fine all by my lonely then I'll be here by myself Be there for myself again Please just let me be here by my self All by my lonely then Be here by myself Be here for myself again
7.
The Crash 02:28
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Now I'm along for the ride Yeah, we along for the ride Things are getting hella wild Yeah, things are going down I can see 'em falling now Alcohol is always around Is this even our house This place never turns down No, we open 24-7 now Motherfuckers here all night long But I guess business is strong Maybe not, cause no one ever does nothing All I ever see you do is consume substance But every time someone comes through They got a new something or knew something And that's cool, but who the fuck are you I'm wondering And I ain't really down to visit all night With alcoholics out here drinking all night Mom takes a flight, has a big fight Comes back something new coming down the pipe Just when you thought you were all fine You got a home, place in your head But you get this instead The free ride is over We gotta get out again But it's coming back, I can feel it now It hits the ground and crumbles down Cause we can't live here no more Fuck it, so we back on the move Catching a mood with a bad attitude Had a bunch of cash and some shit that we stole That's how it go when relationships blow Back to the homies acting all thugged out Go and say what's up right near the drug house I'ma talk my truth just like a love vow Wanna push my buttons, bitch? Come and find out Smoke more weed at three just to calm down Good news, we moved into a condo now Then again, then we did it all again Then another place and we moved up Then again, then fuck We been moving a lot And it's not really like we improving the spot And I don't really like when I'm asked questions I think I come off a tad aggressive Lone star cowboy like it's Texas Don't start smoke, boy, I'm ambidextrous Nothing to lose so you will respect this Rob more money without the weapons Basically, we stealing where we staying Stealing where we staying every night and day It's fun to me, we stealing where we staying Stealing where we staying when we hang and be It's your family room, we stealing where we staying So this week it is, next week it won't be Basically, we stealing where we staying This week we'll be here, next week we won't be
8.
Stealin' Where We Stayin' 03:08
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What you really want is the security of knowing where you belong And isn't that what alignment, resource, energy always gives Now in this operation, we stealing where we staying We stealing where we staying Now in this operation, we stealing where we staying We stealing where we staying I use darkness for the liberation Fuck it, if I need it, I'ma take it I use darkness for the liberation Fuck it, if I need it, I'ma take it I'd take every star in the sky Never get caught, which is why this taught me to lie New spot we would find Mom had a story for the land lot landlord Lots on their mind Time came to pay, and we had to slide Think like thieves in the night Sneak out, no call back, let them stay on the line Nothing in sight, but the agreement she never signed Grade 10 is the time.Welfare? Man Only if the government was giving my mother money We wouldn't have to do this shit But there was paperwork involved, and when you a straight shooter it's, it's hard to focus and calm So hopeless, we'd bomb On anyone who would let us move in their home Stay for a month, maybe even longer Got it out the park, you can call that a homer We ain't squatting Now in this operation, we stealing where we staying We stealing where we staying Now in this operation, we stealing where we staying We stealing where we staying I use darkness for the liberation Fuck it, if I need it, I'ma take it I use darkness for the liberation Fuck it, if I need it, I'ma take it Now if you do it too long at the same place They gon' show up where you live, dawg Cause they know where you live, dawg Matter of fact, yeah, they own where you live, dawg Eight months late on the rent, that's a bailiff I left for school, mom yelling all crazy Get back upstairs, ain't no time to explain it Grab whatever you can get, cause if not, they gonna take it Ya that's the sheriff's office, neighbour's staring at us I knew that they were broke, man, I'm glad they getting booted Two big cops dropped boxes off Gave us 20 minutes to get socks and stuff This is so awkward, we're not enough Called two bros over to help pack us up And it's a school night any day of the week And me and mom just casually on the street Between the two of us, we barely got enough to eat But if we ever needed a reason to believe I asked my dad for lunch money for the next day That was 10 bucks a head on an internet cafe Got us a place to stay 72 hours, you could pay ahead of time and lay there Tuck your bags up underneath the chair No one will fuck with you and you can hang there I was not render not valuable through this I was given the opportunity to find my truest value that I've ever found You see And once you find that, and once that's what you are radiating Not defensively, in a reflex way, reacting or responding to Now you've found your center and that's what you're emanating That's who you are You're more stable than you've ever been That's just sort of the way things are being banged out out here in this manifested edge In the physical form, so often you think that what you're looking for is stability that's provided for another rather than the stability that's provided when you're in alignment with all the resources from which you have come
9.
What is a Home? 03:13
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That's cool man, where you live at? Um. Thing is, right now..My mom just.. Changed jobs or whatever, so Actually, we're uh We're just chillin' man, can we go to yours What do you mean they moved again That shit was mean, and very tense Yeah, as a teen, it only got worse And better, and then it got more intense We were like homeless, but not in tents We get evicted, then move again We're like the gypsies, the middle of cities We get your credit card, and then we fed When survival mode's unleashed This dog is off his leash How you gon' be stealin' everything But not be a thief Only got a year here How many places? Three Now we done lived by the beach But we gon' move next week Crates around, 'cause the cats both are getting boarded Moved into the new crib We hope we can, but we can't afford it We can't afford shit So I broke in and stole it Got pillows for mom to sleep with And I don't know where I'm going But I found a key, I got this thing that's helping me breathe I put on hip-hop and nod to the beat All of this weakness, they'll never see I'll act all tough like a thug from the streets Then they'll just think that I'm all dark and deep These are my problems, I keep them to myself I don't wanna speak, so don't try to reach What is a home? Where have you grown Where do you stay when you stay in your zone Isn't it more than a place where you go Somewhere to know and make it your own What is a home? A place you can grow Away from the road and out of the cold Somewhere to have and somewhere to hold Building the fabric is part of your soul Tell me, what is a home What is a home Somewhere to go Tell me, what is a home What is a home What is a home Somewhere to go What good are designer shoes If you ain't got nowhere to go when you put them on What good is a matching glasses set If you ain't got a counter to lay them on All of your stuff is in boxes You ain't got a home to call your own Kinda wanna be a kid now, but I can't Because I guess I am grown Feel like I'm never landing, no, no one will understand this Don't know how to fucking plan shit So I just didn't explain it And now I'm acting childish Because I'm so exhausted But I still take the blame 'cause I don't care about their judgment, they can suck it Would it have killed you to be a little kinder Would it have killed you to be a little nicer Would it have killed you to be a little kinder Cause you never know what someone is going through What is a home? Where have you grown Where do you stay when you stay in your zone Isn't there more than a place where you go Somewhere to go and make it your own What is a home? A place you can grow away from the road And out of the cold, somewhere to have and somewhere to hold Building the fabric is part of your soul Tell me, what is a home What is a home Somewhere to go Tell me, what is a home What is a home Somewhere to go Yeah, somewhere to go Yeah, it's somewhere to go Somewhere to have and somewhere to hold Building the fabric is part of your soul Yeah, its somewhere to go Yeah, its somewhere to go Yeah, its somewhere to go Can we go to yours?
10.
Options 02:44
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Life in our suitcases, all on our shoelaces Don't tell no one else, cause they don't know how to take it Cause they don't know how to take it Yeah, we had no options We were just out on the street With nowhere to be And from what I can see, seems like no options Now with nowhere to go And no home of our own All we see is no, no, no, no options I'd rather be out on the streets, than have someone cop over me I will not live on my knees, no, that's not an option I lie and I say what I need God will deliver my needs That's what we pray and we preach Speaking of praying I couldn't tell you where we staying But I could tell you what we making That's progress, that's more than y'all I'm just saying Life in our suitcases, all on our shoelaces Don't tell no one else, cause they don't know how to take it Yeah, we had no options We were just out on the street With nowhere to be And from what I can see, seems like no options Now with nowhere to go And no home of our own All we see is no, no, no, no options There's no going home I hate that you know So I'll never tell you Keep it on low Cause people gon' hurt you when they try to help you Cause they wanna go All through your plans And figure what fell through This guy has no hope That's what the teachers tell you as they fail you And pops lived in a basement apartment with a bitch that hated me So instead of enduring that, I went with mom and faced the streets Basically, that's better for me, cause now I can see Just how petty people can be, when you make it a beef And if you're a non-believer I don't see why we should speak Yeah, we had no options H-O-M-E We were just out on the street With nowhere to be And from what I can see, seems like no options Now with nowhere to go And no home of our own All we see is no, no, no, no options I just gotta process, please use caution All this anxiety, is starting to make me nauseous No options, no options, no options, no options Being a bitch has never been an option Being a snitch has never been an option Giving up has never been an option Slowing down ain't an option Giving up ain't an option Doing nothing ain't an option Gotta win, that's an option; Main option
11.
Drop Out 04:57
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We got a place and we safe but I can't take this serious no more, thanks We got a place and we safe but I can't take y'all serious Yo I don't think this place holds the answers No, no The real world is hard and faster And cold I cannot pretend to sit here and buy this shit Goodbye, this shit is over So they call me a dropout And they worry about where I'mma go But I'm ready for a job now Cause you can't live this life without no dough Now if you don't hold yourself up, nobody will Parents less money than me, to this day still But that's okay, I'm cool to help a folk with a bill And I've been this way since I was 11, for real But mostly, I'm just not enthused About this institutionalized thinking that tries to abuse My creativity by making me choose between too fat, too thin Oh yeah, call me bad again Stick me in the office because I don't think this way Keep me feeling caught, then the criminal mind will shape But I saw the lines because my world did break The innocence in my mind is over, I cannot stay Yo I don't think this place holds the answers No, no The real world is hard and faster And cold I cannot pretend to sit here and buy this shit Goodbye, this shit is over So they call me a dropout And they worry about where I'ma go But I'm ready for a job now Cause you can't live this life without no dough, no, no Still wonder if I will be haunted by not having a degree Even if I was a college was not accepting me Cause I could not afford to pay the motherfuckin' tuition And my intuition was telling me to just go get it So I done got a job as a busboy at a fine dining restaurant So I could get bucks and pay my way to fly to LA and see what's up And then I started hittin' the library and reading More than I ever did in that motherfuckin' school that I swear was nuts But it gave me enough resentment to last at least till 30 And I know that I'm not pretending or inside I am not hurting And I did try to submit to one more school with a dope theater program But they said no because of the reputation It was only a month with an agent And I booked my first commercial This shit felt amazing And when I realized that our location Was the gymnasium Of that school that said no to me, that was my haven Yo I don't think this place holds the answers No, no The real world is hard and faster And cold I cannot pretend to sit here and buy this shit Goodbye, this shit is over So they call me a dropout And they worry about where I'mma go But I'm ready for a job now Cause you can't live this life without no dough I cannot stay here I will not stay here I will not stay here I gotta go I will not stay here I will not stay here I will not stay It's the end of the road In other words, if you could wrestle more kids to the ground And attempt to make them more cooperative to the rules More of them would go to jail, not fewer of them Because the jail is an indication of rebellion And rebellion is as a result of perceived confinement So if there is anything that the school might do To make the ratio of people going to jail less It should provide more freedom, more obvious freedom Like come if you want to rather than you must come or you will be in trouble Like come and learn this if it appeals to you Not you will be in trouble if you don't That's not working out for any of you on any level Whether it is in the school or otherwise, you see Acknowledge that they are free And expect them to live happily ever after And practice that in your grid so powerfully That they get that every time they're around you In other words, they can be in school And need to be there at a certain time And need to be in a certain place at the school at a certain time And they can still feel your overwhelming feeling of their freedom Because they're free to think They're free to feel They're free to offer a vibration They're free to withhold They're free to involve themselves They're free not to In other words, freedom is abounding all over the place And as you acknowledge You see, it isn't your action That is making the difference in your lives anyway It's the way you are feeling And so if you are a parent with kids in school Or if you are a teacher involved in the system If you will give your dominant intention To acknowledging the parts of them that are free Convince them that they can be in any environment It doesn't matter what it is Even in jail, which is close to being in school

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released September 7, 2023

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Ellevan Toronto, Ontario

#ThatFreestyleGuy

Ellevan is a internationally acclaimed freestyle artist, recording artist & producer with vision to free you from your physical realm constructs.

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